E.F. Schumacker – “Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius—and a lot of courage—to move in the opposite direction.”
Sometimes, the bigger picture sinks into my conscious mind. This is the difference between being aware of something whilst remaining numb, and really living and breathing a feeling. The doubt overtakes me, the emptiness cripples me. the pointlessness drains every potential idea I have, every move I make. I want to cry. I want to die. Empty conversation doesn’t distract me anymore but instead highlights my loneliness. Material objects don’t give me temporary satisfaction, but offer the perfect example of meaninglessness. I want to throw up everything I have ever known, ever bought, ever said, ever loved. I want to lie in bed and talk to imaginary people in my head. I want to look out my window and disintegrate into the view I can see. I can’t set my alarm clock. I can’t even hold my alarm clock. My body wants to let go and my mind wants to follow. I need to set myself free from my limits. Loosen my grip and just drift away into the unknown. Into peacefulness. Into nothing.
It’s like I realized that way down inside, I’ve always been lonely for something. But I don’t know what for. It’s like everybody in the world want’s something. Only they never really know exactly what it is - they just keep finding out what it’s not. You know how, when you turn off the TV or you come out of some concert, and everything just feels empty? Like you thought that would be what you wanted, and then it wasn’t?
